Cherish Your Children

Today a family that lives two doors down from us laid their baby girl to rest. It is such a sad time for their family, and our neighborhood. Her name is Lauren, and she was 6 years old. It was a medical problem that was complicated by other circumstances. I did not know it, but our little Lauren considered her her best friend. Her family has only lived in our neighborhood for about 8 months, and in that short time our children had fallen in love with her. Her parents could not have done anything to prevent her passing. It was a true tragedy.
Tonight, as they do many nights, our children asked us to sing to them. Usually Jodie does the singing, and I do the story telling. It had become bothersome to be asked to do this. Tonight was different. Thinking of how much our neighbors must want to be able to do that, I thought it selfish not to take every chance to fulfill our children's wishes. Really, it should be like that every night. Even if they don't leave us early, we only have a finite time of which we can be the center of our children's world. We should take every chance to do so.
Our Lauren has written a letter to their family explaining that she is in a better place, and is with Jesus now. She also told them that she missed Lauren, because "she was the only person who was just my friend, and was never mean to me." I did not know that. Talk to your children. I thought she was just an acquaintance. Turns out she was my little girl’s best friend. I should have done more to know her.
Lauren Howard will be missed by us. I hope that her family has the comfort, my little girl’s letter expressed.

Divorce, My Thoughts

To preface my thoughts, know this. My mom and dad divorced when I was 11 months old, and as such the feelings I express are those of a child injured by divorce, but somewhat tempered by age. While reading, please do not think I am addressing you in particular. Tonight, Josephine and I, laid in bed and counted seven couples we know who are getting divorced. Not fourteen strangers, but seven couples we count as dear friends.

You can plan on this being written how I think, so plan on a no thought patterned mess. My heart aches for people who do not understand what feelings a divorce will cause in the future. My mom has told me several times divorcing my dad was the worst mistake she ever made. I do not doubt her. I harbor so much resentment for both of them about that decision. My father for making her think that was the best option, and her for picking it. My dad was not around much at all. One thing when you get a divorce you will not control, the step parent. And it will happen. This person you will not choose, neither can you influence. I have hated all of mine, with the exception of the current two. See, both of my parents have been married four times. I guess, after the first one, the second and subsequent ones are not so difficult. And I bet there is some statistic that will back my observation. Step parents will not love your children as their own. They do not have your child's best interest at heart. If you think so, try it. I will be proved correct.
Guess how many times my dad went out side with me and threw the ball. Your right, none. Not one single time do I remember my dad doing something with me that he absolutely did just to pass time and be with me. I am 33, it makes me cry thinking about it. Guess how many times we went camping, hunting, did homework together, ate dinner as a family. Also none. How much time I spend with him now? Barely any, I have no time to fit a man into my life that has not been there for most of it. It is not all his fault. It is painful beyond description.
Most people believe when they get divorced, they will continue being the person the were while married. That is not true. Associating with other people with make you different. The non-custodial parent develops another set of priorities. Children become more of a burden than a blessing. For those of you who think better of yourselves, or your spouse, you are wrong. I believe my dad is a decent person, and dearly cares about me. When I am at his house, he can not get enough of my stories, or what I have been doing, or my children. But when I am gone, those stories fade, and so does how much you cherish them.
From my memory, and mom can correct me if I am wrong, we spent a good deal of our lives on some sort of government assistance. How many of you know what that does to a child's self-esteem? All of my friends who had two parents fared better economically, and as a result socially, than we did. Child support, while damning one parent to a life of half income, does not do enough to offset the loss of an entire income for the custodial parent. Not only that but it pits the two parents against each other in a continual struggle over money. Neither win. I know what it is like to be dressed entirely from Wal-Mart, while all of my classmates are wearing JCPenny's and Dillard's clothing. See, many of you may not believe it, but I was in all the advanced classes (yes the ego survived). That's where an occasional poor child, who is smart enough, gets to go, with all the children who have two parents raising them. They have double the reinforcement, to drill into them that an education matters. As a reward, you get to be made fun of because you look different.
I am not bashing my mom. She did the best she could. She put herself through college, and raised two son's, neither who bent very easily, by herself. She never failed to let us know she loved us. We both have been married once, and still are. We both have jobs, pretty good ones. It comes from watching her struggle, and learning that work and grind are the way to make it. It is not glamorous, but it works.
Jodie will attest. I have a fear of being alone. When she works, I either sleep with my children, all 4, or on the couch closest to their room. When everyone else is busy, I stay at home alone, waiting for their return, but only under protest. I fear quiet. Motion and people comfort me. I enjoy crowds, I generally do not want to talk to strangers, but I love being around them and observing them. I crave acceptance. I was not abandoned by my father, but I can not but attribute those feelings to his not being with us.
Josephine and I have been married for almost 11 years. For most reading this you know that those years have been hard fought. I have never hit her, nor she I. But boy have I wanted to. I have stood on the side of the highway and threatened to beat her windows out with my fists. I have fought with her brother, I have kicked her mother. I have fully embarrassed myself in front of one of the men I respect most in the world, her father. I have cried myself to sleep, begging forgiveness for stupidity. I have screamed myself to sleep in anger. My children have stood between us and begged for me not to scream at their mother. It, at times, has been unbearable to the point I contemplated suicide because I could not control myself. All things no one, and no child especially, should have to live with.
She is still with me. God forbid those troubles ever come back. Jodie and my children have seen enough of the man I should have never been. I am lucky enough, though, that they are still with me, and I have a chance to become a better father and husband.
As I said, almost 11 years ago, Josephine and I agreed with each other that we would be a family. And we still are, and will continue to be, even should the ass that I can be, rears its head. Because, luckily for me, her forgiveness seems to be endless.
For those contemplating it, or for those that it is already past contemplation... Money issues are a sure end to a marriage. Infidelity is not erasable. Abuse can not be tolerated (emotional or physical). The love of a child, is not unbreakable. BUT...Is there any way to make it work. Can you compromise your pride without compromising yourself. Will one more chance hurt? Are you still in love? Most people, if given the choice, your child's life or your own to save, would save their child. Is that true?

Wild Things

Jodie and I just got back from the movies with our kids. We went to go see Spike Jones' Where The Wild Things Are". It was excellent. It has been probably ten years since I last read the book, but I remember loving it. The movie was no different. It was awesome. Jodie said she didn't "get it". I am sure anyone can parallel their life with that movie, especially if they have kids (kids who fulfilled the curse every mother has wished on her children). I see our family more as the wild things. Quick to wrassle (yes I know it's spelled wrong), but quick to recognize they have hurt another. Max was inspiring, torn between his lust for adventure and his longing for home. I just hope as parents we have more chocolate cake than we do humble pie to serve up when our children return from their adventures. After all, most of us live our lives waiting to watch the adventures unfold.
The long and short, go watch it, it was wonderful.

Frustration

It seems the only time I do blog is when I'm frustrated. This is not my intention, just happens I guess. I will try in the future to write when not feeling frustrated. Today I had semi-confrontations with two people. One who is an unmitigated ass who feels the need to build up his own ego that he sometimes (WARNING !!!! cliche) lets his mouth over-run his arse. Today he felt the need to express what a man he is to our boss that he informed our boss he put me in my place by telling me "Shut up and get the f(*^ out of here." A total lie about an earlier conversation. Funny thing is he did not know I was in the next room while he was rewriting history. The face was priceless when I emerged to question his recounting of the events. That I took great joy in. The second incident is one I do not care to go into very much detail about. Suffice it to say, I probably could have held my tongue a little bit better. What I said was not incorrect, just kind of harsh. In recent years I have learned to hold my tongue quite a bit better, sometimes though eghhh!!. The first encounter, I could care less about the persons feelings, serves him right for lying. The second, is a friend who I sympathize with(which by the way I am not too good at). I suspect life is becoming hard, and I do not believe I can ease it. This person does read my blog, so, I apologize. Communication is essential when one needs help, and people are willing to help, if just to listen. But, I feel like I would be butting into a situation in which I was not welcome if I spoke up on my own. President Reagan is known as the "Great Communicator". Even those who disagree with him, think of him as a good person. The reason is his willingness to communicate, friend or foe. I hope life gets easier soon. If you need and ear..... Call Jodie, she'll listen. Hah. Kidding, although sometimes my ear bites, the advice can be somewhat painful if taken.
Not to keep this cryptic blog going but, we are here, with no judgment, just ears.

Responsibility, Stupidity, and Gunshow's

Yesterday Roy, Zach, and I went to a gun show in Jonesboro. I originally went to my brother's to look at pawn shops. I am getting interested in hunting, and self-defense. I am going to take a concealed carry class next month. Anyways, while we were at one of the pawn shops, a guy asked if we were going to the gun show. Seeing as looking at guns was my primary purpose for my visit we decided that was the place to be. We went and were there for about 30 minutes when we heard a loud explosion about 75 feet away. Someone had discharged an "unloaded" weapon. Let me explain some of the goings on at these gun shows. Vendors bring thousands of guns and display them for sell or trade. They also bring ammo for sell. They have to "tie" something in the chamber so that the weapon is verified unloaded. Any one off the street can bring in a gun also. It is checked and tied by the gate people to ensure it is unloaded. All of these guns can be untied to show perspective customers that the actions work to their liking. This is what happened with the "unloaded" weapon that was discharged. A vendor untied a piston for a customer to look at, then as he was placing it back on the table, another gentleman asked to look at it. This second customer held the weapon, pointed it at the wall and discharged it.

A disclaimer real quick, This is the information my brother and I heard first hand, we did not see what took place, back to the story.

Somehow, between these two guys, a round was placed in the chamber and discharged. Concerning the second guy, who pulls the trigger on a weapon with no round in the chamber. Secondly, who handles a gun without first watching the bolt close on an empty chamber? Thirdly, who points at something they do not intend to shoot, with their finger on the trigger? All three actions are completely irresponsible, and frankly, Stupid. Maybe it comes from being in the Marine Corp. Maybe it comes from growing up around people who always had guns, but this individual did something totally retarded.

The first gentleman, believing what the vendor said, has committed attempted murder in my view. This is someone who places a round in a weapon that thousands of people will handle throughout the weekend believing it is unloaded. This is someone who hates guns, and is willing to go to extremes to get rid of them, or at least get them regulated into extinction. If someone had been shot, what would the city have done? How much outcry would we have heard over the harm guns do, and in extension, gun shows. It's not unreasonable to believe there would have been strict ordinances placed on this town. I believe that was the individual's intention.

Being stupid is not a crime, having harmful intent and taking action to carry it out is. It would be impossible to place that weapon in the first individuals hand. I hardly believe in eye witness testimony by one individual. The room was full of policemen, what better place for a person who carries a gun everyday to be. The first individual was not even looked for. The bigger this incident is the worse it is for gun owners. If someone had been shot, with no doubt, I believe the first individual would have been found, and an investigation done.

It doesn't scare me off of gun shows, it does make me even more cautious around people I do not know handling guns. For those who may not think about it, stupidity is curable. I do not call every one who would make this mistake stupid. I think a 50 year old man who goes to gun shows, and pulls triggers on "unloaded" weapons stupid. If you are around guns, trust no one, treat every weapon as though it was loaded, do not pull the trigger no matter what, do not aim at anything you do not intend to shoot.

Lastly, no individuals cause is worth another individuals death. If you have a passion good, express it peacefully good. Others have causes they are equally passionate about, don't cut their lives short for your expression.

thoughts on blogging......thoughts

I have not been blogging long, and certainly not often during that time. Our church likes people to write in a journal. I believe that this is a good start to my doing that, with some censuring. I have written in my journal before, not very much, but I did write my deepest feelings. I suspect that someday, someone may read them and be less than surprised. Even in my journal I do not believe I had the ability to write openly. I am very self critical, not that that criticism leads to improvement. It is really not constructive criticism, maybe a bit overly self-conscience. Either way, I am hoping that this is an outlet that will help me more fully recognize those emotions I fear, and work at correcting the destructive ones. My wish is that putting thoughts to paper, openly, will lead to open discussions. I seem to hold my tongue more that I would like to. I know this comes from not holding it enough as a youth, and as an adult fearing the repercussions of poor judgment when it pertains to tact. I do not believe a person should hold in their thoughts, I do however, believe that they should voice them in a manner that is constructive, not offensive. Now with no real link, moving on.

We had a baptism tonight at our branch. It was nice. A 10 year old girl and an 8 year old boy (siblings) were baptized. It was by no means an empty meeting, but not as many people as should have showed. Truly it was only our family, their family, and one other family, plus the branch president. I think people are missing out in our area by not attending spiritual events. I think this is a good chance for people to feel the spirit they may be missing, or have forgotten, without having to really participate. Just being there can be enough.

This leads to a point that digs at me. We in this area, have been given a facility that is not being used enough, by anyone. It is frustrating to know how much could be going on that is not. I am not throwing stones, just voicing frustration at a communal lack of interest.

Maybe an odd stopping point but, "it is what it is"

Friends

This past weekend I helped a friend pack to move away. I was not the only person helping. About 4 of our mutual friends showed up (males, two with their wives), to help him get the majority of his families large belongings loaded. When Jodie and I first heard of their leaving, we were both disheartened. It actually was very depressing. Our friends consist mostly of church members. People probably get tired of hearing us talk about it, but we have been the only couple our age to come to church regularly for the past eight years. There have been several couples, in recent years, move into our branch that are in very similar circumstances. It seems that we are standing still in a vast hole with little or no movement, while those around us come and go freely without restriction. Maybe that's a little overly dramatic, but it is my feeling. I regret not forming a better relationship with our friends, one that might carry on over long distance. We should have made a stronger effort to really develop lasting bonds of friendship. That is what I am most sad about. We do have other friends, but relationships with all of them that are very much the same. I accept some responsibility for the way they have evolved, but not all. We should all make a better effort to reach out, even those that feel they should have the hand of friendship extended to them. I had a discussion today with some less active people of our church. There seems to be a real resentment of people who are not actively pursuing contact, towards those who are. What I mean is, people who are not engaged in our church feel that others should always reach out to them. This is true, but occasionally they should reach back. Someone who is constantly asking why people do not visit them, should ask themselves, when is the last time they visited those who they expect should be visiting them. I have watched people who always do the traveling, give up. When they stop traveling to do the visiting most time the relationship ends. Then the ones who never traveled are resentful that they no longer have people coming to see them. I wonder if I am like the former or the latter. I believe I am the former. Not that this is better. I believe I reach out to people, because I seek their attention, but eventually I will quit reaching if I feel I am doing all the work. This has happened in the past, and to some extent I believe it still does. I know that I seek the attention to fill some void, and it is exploiting people. I also feel that I try to extend myself, and help provide some amount of void filling presence. I do not like being alone, and thus, feel all people are that way. Obviously that is not true, it is a sickness that I suffer (not mentally ill sickness, a delusion I recognize). Additionally, contrary to popular belief, I do not like confrontation, so I do not speak out to people I feel are not pulling their weight in our relationships, except Jodie. Her I can confront, but because I do not believe she will leave. Hard as our relationship is sometimes, she is still here, and I cherish her for that. People (including myself) should be more introspective. Self perception is often marred by ego. But no one knows what one is feeling unless they tell. Look inward, if you feel less than what you should, try to repair what you see. I am just rambling. I do not put Sara and Aaron in this category. We were all very busy while they were here. I am sad to see them go, and hope to continue a healthy relationship with them. These are thoughts that have begun to plague me recently. I want friendships, lasting ones. I am jealous of Jodie. She sees people every day that she recognizes as friends, she also is living in the same town she was born in. I move a lot and therefore do not have life long friends. I wish to start building them, and hope to find others like myself. If you read this, We miss you Aaron and Sarah, and hope to see you this summer.