Today a family that lives two doors down from us laid their baby girl to rest. It is such a sad time for their family, and our neighborhood. Her name is Lauren, and she was 6 years old. It was a medical problem that was complicated by other circumstances. I did not know it, but our little Lauren considered her her best friend. Her family has only lived in our neighborhood for about 8 months, and in that short time our children had fallen in love with her. Her parents could not have done anything to prevent her passing. It was a true tragedy.
Tonight, as they do many nights, our children asked us to sing to them. Usually Jodie does the singing, and I do the story telling. It had become bothersome to be asked to do this. Tonight was different. Thinking of how much our neighbors must want to be able to do that, I thought it selfish not to take every chance to fulfill our children's wishes. Really, it should be like that every night. Even if they don't leave us early, we only have a finite time of which we can be the center of our children's world. We should take every chance to do so.
Our Lauren has written a letter to their family explaining that she is in a better place, and is with Jesus now. She also told them that she missed Lauren, because "she was the only person who was just my friend, and was never mean to me." I did not know that. Talk to your children. I thought she was just an acquaintance. Turns out she was my little girl’s best friend. I should have done more to know her.
Lauren Howard will be missed by us. I hope that her family has the comfort, my little girl’s letter expressed.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Divorce, My Thoughts
To preface my thoughts, know this. My mom and dad divorced when I was 11 months old, and as such the feelings I express are those of a child injured by divorce, but somewhat tempered by age. While reading, please do not think I am addressing you in particular. Tonight, Josephine and I, laid in bed and counted seven couples we know who are getting divorced. Not fourteen strangers, but seven couples we count as dear friends.
You can plan on this being written how I think, so plan on a no thought patterned mess. My heart aches for people who do not understand what feelings a divorce will cause in the future. My mom has told me several times divorcing my dad was the worst mistake she ever made. I do not doubt her. I harbor so much resentment for both of them about that decision. My father for making her think that was the best option, and her for picking it. My dad was not around much at all. One thing when you get a divorce you will not control, the step parent. And it will happen. This person you will not choose, neither can you influence. I have hated all of mine, with the exception of the current two. See, both of my parents have been married four times. I guess, after the first one, the second and subsequent ones are not so difficult. And I bet there is some statistic that will back my observation. Step parents will not love your children as their own. They do not have your child's best interest at heart. If you think so, try it. I will be proved correct.
Guess how many times my dad went out side with me and threw the ball. Your right, none. Not one single time do I remember my dad doing something with me that he absolutely did just to pass time and be with me. I am 33, it makes me cry thinking about it. Guess how many times we went camping, hunting, did homework together, ate dinner as a family. Also none. How much time I spend with him now? Barely any, I have no time to fit a man into my life that has not been there for most of it. It is not all his fault. It is painful beyond description.
Most people believe when they get divorced, they will continue being the person the were while married. That is not true. Associating with other people with make you different. The non-custodial parent develops another set of priorities. Children become more of a burden than a blessing. For those of you who think better of yourselves, or your spouse, you are wrong. I believe my dad is a decent person, and dearly cares about me. When I am at his house, he can not get enough of my stories, or what I have been doing, or my children. But when I am gone, those stories fade, and so does how much you cherish them.
From my memory, and mom can correct me if I am wrong, we spent a good deal of our lives on some sort of government assistance. How many of you know what that does to a child's self-esteem? All of my friends who had two parents fared better economically, and as a result socially, than we did. Child support, while damning one parent to a life of half income, does not do enough to offset the loss of an entire income for the custodial parent. Not only that but it pits the two parents against each other in a continual struggle over money. Neither win. I know what it is like to be dressed entirely from Wal-Mart, while all of my classmates are wearing JCPenny's and Dillard's clothing. See, many of you may not believe it, but I was in all the advanced classes (yes the ego survived). That's where an occasional poor child, who is smart enough, gets to go, with all the children who have two parents raising them. They have double the reinforcement, to drill into them that an education matters. As a reward, you get to be made fun of because you look different.
I am not bashing my mom. She did the best she could. She put herself through college, and raised two son's, neither who bent very easily, by herself. She never failed to let us know she loved us. We both have been married once, and still are. We both have jobs, pretty good ones. It comes from watching her struggle, and learning that work and grind are the way to make it. It is not glamorous, but it works.
Jodie will attest. I have a fear of being alone. When she works, I either sleep with my children, all 4, or on the couch closest to their room. When everyone else is busy, I stay at home alone, waiting for their return, but only under protest. I fear quiet. Motion and people comfort me. I enjoy crowds, I generally do not want to talk to strangers, but I love being around them and observing them. I crave acceptance. I was not abandoned by my father, but I can not but attribute those feelings to his not being with us.
Josephine and I have been married for almost 11 years. For most reading this you know that those years have been hard fought. I have never hit her, nor she I. But boy have I wanted to. I have stood on the side of the highway and threatened to beat her windows out with my fists. I have fought with her brother, I have kicked her mother. I have fully embarrassed myself in front of one of the men I respect most in the world, her father. I have cried myself to sleep, begging forgiveness for stupidity. I have screamed myself to sleep in anger. My children have stood between us and begged for me not to scream at their mother. It, at times, has been unbearable to the point I contemplated suicide because I could not control myself. All things no one, and no child especially, should have to live with.
She is still with me. God forbid those troubles ever come back. Jodie and my children have seen enough of the man I should have never been. I am lucky enough, though, that they are still with me, and I have a chance to become a better father and husband.
As I said, almost 11 years ago, Josephine and I agreed with each other that we would be a family. And we still are, and will continue to be, even should the ass that I can be, rears its head. Because, luckily for me, her forgiveness seems to be endless.
For those contemplating it, or for those that it is already past contemplation... Money issues are a sure end to a marriage. Infidelity is not erasable. Abuse can not be tolerated (emotional or physical). The love of a child, is not unbreakable. BUT...Is there any way to make it work. Can you compromise your pride without compromising yourself. Will one more chance hurt? Are you still in love? Most people, if given the choice, your child's life or your own to save, would save their child. Is that true?
Guess how many times my dad went out side with me and threw the ball. Your right, none. Not one single time do I remember my dad doing something with me that he absolutely did just to pass time and be with me. I am 33, it makes me cry thinking about it. Guess how many times we went camping, hunting, did homework together, ate dinner as a family. Also none. How much time I spend with him now? Barely any, I have no time to fit a man into my life that has not been there for most of it. It is not all his fault. It is painful beyond description.
Most people believe when they get divorced, they will continue being the person the were while married. That is not true. Associating with other people with make you different. The non-custodial parent develops another set of priorities. Children become more of a burden than a blessing. For those of you who think better of yourselves, or your spouse, you are wrong. I believe my dad is a decent person, and dearly cares about me. When I am at his house, he can not get enough of my stories, or what I have been doing, or my children. But when I am gone, those stories fade, and so does how much you cherish them.
From my memory, and mom can correct me if I am wrong, we spent a good deal of our lives on some sort of government assistance. How many of you know what that does to a child's self-esteem? All of my friends who had two parents fared better economically, and as a result socially, than we did. Child support, while damning one parent to a life of half income, does not do enough to offset the loss of an entire income for the custodial parent. Not only that but it pits the two parents against each other in a continual struggle over money. Neither win. I know what it is like to be dressed entirely from Wal-Mart, while all of my classmates are wearing JCPenny's and Dillard's clothing. See, many of you may not believe it, but I was in all the advanced classes (yes the ego survived). That's where an occasional poor child, who is smart enough, gets to go, with all the children who have two parents raising them. They have double the reinforcement, to drill into them that an education matters. As a reward, you get to be made fun of because you look different.
I am not bashing my mom. She did the best she could. She put herself through college, and raised two son's, neither who bent very easily, by herself. She never failed to let us know she loved us. We both have been married once, and still are. We both have jobs, pretty good ones. It comes from watching her struggle, and learning that work and grind are the way to make it. It is not glamorous, but it works.
Jodie will attest. I have a fear of being alone. When she works, I either sleep with my children, all 4, or on the couch closest to their room. When everyone else is busy, I stay at home alone, waiting for their return, but only under protest. I fear quiet. Motion and people comfort me. I enjoy crowds, I generally do not want to talk to strangers, but I love being around them and observing them. I crave acceptance. I was not abandoned by my father, but I can not but attribute those feelings to his not being with us.
Josephine and I have been married for almost 11 years. For most reading this you know that those years have been hard fought. I have never hit her, nor she I. But boy have I wanted to. I have stood on the side of the highway and threatened to beat her windows out with my fists. I have fought with her brother, I have kicked her mother. I have fully embarrassed myself in front of one of the men I respect most in the world, her father. I have cried myself to sleep, begging forgiveness for stupidity. I have screamed myself to sleep in anger. My children have stood between us and begged for me not to scream at their mother. It, at times, has been unbearable to the point I contemplated suicide because I could not control myself. All things no one, and no child especially, should have to live with.
She is still with me. God forbid those troubles ever come back. Jodie and my children have seen enough of the man I should have never been. I am lucky enough, though, that they are still with me, and I have a chance to become a better father and husband.
As I said, almost 11 years ago, Josephine and I agreed with each other that we would be a family. And we still are, and will continue to be, even should the ass that I can be, rears its head. Because, luckily for me, her forgiveness seems to be endless.
For those contemplating it, or for those that it is already past contemplation... Money issues are a sure end to a marriage. Infidelity is not erasable. Abuse can not be tolerated (emotional or physical). The love of a child, is not unbreakable. BUT...Is there any way to make it work. Can you compromise your pride without compromising yourself. Will one more chance hurt? Are you still in love? Most people, if given the choice, your child's life or your own to save, would save their child. Is that true?
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