Friends

This past weekend I helped a friend pack to move away. I was not the only person helping. About 4 of our mutual friends showed up (males, two with their wives), to help him get the majority of his families large belongings loaded. When Jodie and I first heard of their leaving, we were both disheartened. It actually was very depressing. Our friends consist mostly of church members. People probably get tired of hearing us talk about it, but we have been the only couple our age to come to church regularly for the past eight years. There have been several couples, in recent years, move into our branch that are in very similar circumstances. It seems that we are standing still in a vast hole with little or no movement, while those around us come and go freely without restriction. Maybe that's a little overly dramatic, but it is my feeling. I regret not forming a better relationship with our friends, one that might carry on over long distance. We should have made a stronger effort to really develop lasting bonds of friendship. That is what I am most sad about. We do have other friends, but relationships with all of them that are very much the same. I accept some responsibility for the way they have evolved, but not all. We should all make a better effort to reach out, even those that feel they should have the hand of friendship extended to them. I had a discussion today with some less active people of our church. There seems to be a real resentment of people who are not actively pursuing contact, towards those who are. What I mean is, people who are not engaged in our church feel that others should always reach out to them. This is true, but occasionally they should reach back. Someone who is constantly asking why people do not visit them, should ask themselves, when is the last time they visited those who they expect should be visiting them. I have watched people who always do the traveling, give up. When they stop traveling to do the visiting most time the relationship ends. Then the ones who never traveled are resentful that they no longer have people coming to see them. I wonder if I am like the former or the latter. I believe I am the former. Not that this is better. I believe I reach out to people, because I seek their attention, but eventually I will quit reaching if I feel I am doing all the work. This has happened in the past, and to some extent I believe it still does. I know that I seek the attention to fill some void, and it is exploiting people. I also feel that I try to extend myself, and help provide some amount of void filling presence. I do not like being alone, and thus, feel all people are that way. Obviously that is not true, it is a sickness that I suffer (not mentally ill sickness, a delusion I recognize). Additionally, contrary to popular belief, I do not like confrontation, so I do not speak out to people I feel are not pulling their weight in our relationships, except Jodie. Her I can confront, but because I do not believe she will leave. Hard as our relationship is sometimes, she is still here, and I cherish her for that. People (including myself) should be more introspective. Self perception is often marred by ego. But no one knows what one is feeling unless they tell. Look inward, if you feel less than what you should, try to repair what you see. I am just rambling. I do not put Sara and Aaron in this category. We were all very busy while they were here. I am sad to see them go, and hope to continue a healthy relationship with them. These are thoughts that have begun to plague me recently. I want friendships, lasting ones. I am jealous of Jodie. She sees people every day that she recognizes as friends, she also is living in the same town she was born in. I move a lot and therefore do not have life long friends. I wish to start building them, and hope to find others like myself. If you read this, We miss you Aaron and Sarah, and hope to see you this summer.